Black Holes & Never Again

Yesterday I had the privilege of testing my 22 year old son on some material for an Indigenous Astronomy course that he is doing. He is a very driven, busy young man, he lives away from home and knows a lot more about a lot of things than I do (or so I’m told). For those reasons and more it was a treat for me to “test” and interact with him like we did when we were both younger. As we moved from the brightness and speed of shining stars and lunar eclipses, from the heavens to their link with the land, from the Gadigal people to the holy site of Gummingurru, my son solidified his knowledge and I found the words I have been grasping for since early on Saturday morning 113 days ago.

For me, 2023 was a montage of exhilarating and life affirming moments interspersed among the usual humdrum and strife of life. I climbed and I flew and I manifested dreams long planned. I hope to share more of these soul gratifying experiences another time but today I will focus on just two.

The first involved a writer’s retreat in a mystery bay. It began with a step out of my comfort zone (which is how most adventures begin) a group of strangers and days of focus on an art skill I’ve long wanted to expand upon. There were possums and wallabies, unexpected connections and even a tic. I returned home determined to use what I had learnt and incorporate my writing practice into my daily rituals. On my teacher’s recommendation I carved out my special writing space and adorned it with a few “objets” to spark my creativity.

The second involved a visit to my daughter doing a university exchange programme in the Netherlands. The fact that I was visiting the place for the first time was secondary to our reunion and the easy, fun and free days we spent together exploring.

I did not expect to enjoy Amsterdam as much as I did or to feel its holocaust history so closely. I left Anne Frank house grateful to bear testament and with a postcard purchased from the museum shop. I chose a less publicized photo of Anne at her desk to take back to my writing altar and I promised myself I would keep writing just like a 14 year old child did without a safe space.

The past was with me almost as a present. I saw it in the shattered mirrors of memory of the Auschwitz victims, the bricks of named and unnamed Dutch who were lost and on the Stolpersteine (stumbling stones) that did their job well, reminding pedestrians of what had passed. When we visited the windmills by train, I wondered fleetingly if my view was anything like those transiting to Westerbork. I left the country feeling fortunate and fulfilled.

Then came October 7 and like a black hole, an astronomical phenomenon, suddenly there was darkness and the light had no energy to escape. It was now but felt again like 70 years ago.

I rerouted, hurried home, repressing the disappointment of not being able to reconnect under the Haifian sun and Anne and my writing were shelved.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME, IT IS NOT MY STORY.

And so I have spent what feels like a never ending day, obsessively scouring news channels, deleting friends and followers, posting and trying to “make sh*t happen” in any way that I can from a place far away. All the while Keren Peles and a host of other Hebrew language singers play on repeat.

THINK OF THE HOSTAGES, THE INJURED, THE FAMILIES

It took a random brush with indigenous astronomy and the passing of four full moons for me to recognise my role in the story and to put it into words.

Our connectedness explains why:

• people I pass in my suburban streets have heads askew and eyes downcast like they are entering a shiva house.

• faces are drawn and everyone is complaining of nightmares.

• every answer to “how are you” is suffixed with “under the circumstances” or “in these mad times”

It explains why I cried at the sight of a red headed baby in the supermarket in Sydney.

Never before have I felt this connection as strongly, the connection between me and my people and my land, the darkness and the light.

Turns out that 18 years after emigration I am less African and Australian than I thought.

Just Jewish